An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
