we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
