I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
