I wish my penis had an off switch
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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