you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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