You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
