Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Randomize
