We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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