he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
