anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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