you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
