Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
