I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
