Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
