i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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