yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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