I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
