Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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