the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
