By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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