I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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