her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
