was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
