I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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