feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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