i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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