I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
