I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
