thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
someone owes me an orgasm
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
