I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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