Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
