Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
