All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
