My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
