If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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