I only kidnapped one of them. chill
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
