I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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