By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
