I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
