I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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