I wish I could teleport
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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