my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
PANTIES FOUND
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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