P.S. I can't hear my feet
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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