you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Quick, to the slutcave!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
