I need to stop coming to work sober
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
