just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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