mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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