The brown eye won't let me do that either.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
