I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
