Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
